Barely Alive

by Vulse

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Cassette tape
Cassette + Digital Album
Cassette tape on transparent red shell. Comes with lyric/credit insert, edition of 25.

Includes unlimited streaming of Barely Alive via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more.

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1.	Barely Alive (Dennis) 02:04	lyrics	buy track
i feel alive, and that's all that matters. not sure how to feel - i dunno what happened. [x4] do you see the pain, emptiness in my eyes. always been this way - like i'm born to die. last thing i remember - razor to my arms. that explains all - the pieces of my shattered heart. maybe i'm still - here for a reason. don't know how - i survived this bleedin'. is this catharsis, or givin' up on givin' up? i used to be broken, now only feelin' numb. i don't wanna feel again, i just wanna stay numb. even when it's gone... i still see all of the blood. [x2] i feel alive, and that's all that matters. not sure how to feel - i dunno what happened. [x4]
2.	Impulse ft. Lowly God (Shinjin) 02:37	lyrics	buy track
describe the past til now, i'mma let it out, everything went wrong - is it all my fault? [x2] it's on impulse, would you understand? no rational thoughts, everything went blank. throw myself out the window, so so close to explode. the better it is - with the less that i know. no one can handle me - and i'm left all alone. how do you think i feel - when there's nowhere to go? chopped off all my hair, hurt myself again. tell my doctor - it happened again. describe the past til now, i'mma let it out, everything went wrong - is it all my fault? [x2] and i just hope you know that i still love you, and i feel so alone, i feel so alone, its been a while since I seen you tho, i been down bad, suffocate in my sheets, at night, anxiety got me staring at ceiling, my breathing switch to manual, depression creeping on so gradual, you don’t even notice until the days hit when you dont get up, go to sleep with sunrise, wake up with the grey skies, off the shits, I’m a different person, like a more confident but even worse version, but thats the only time i feel alive, and that's for fucking certain, that's for fuckin' certain. and im sorry when i hurt ya, yea i know you aint deserve it.
3.	Diseased (5v & Hurtful) 02:40	lyrics	buy track
i'm diseased, diseased in the head. i'm broken, broken in my heart. when will this end? all i know - is falling apart. know that i'm diseased, don't know what to believe. the meds never worked - i can't find a cure. razor to my arm, lost a lot of blood. close my eyes, hold my breath, drowning in a tub. take some more sleeping pills, hope i don't wake up again. nothing ever works... and i tried everything. how can i escape - all of these problems? if i can't be cured, put me in a coffin.. i'm diseased, diseased in the head. i'm broken, broken in my heart. when will this end? all i know - is falling apart. [x2] this's my cry for help, i've been such a mess. times like this, i don't - know how to pretend. how can i escape - all of these problems? if i can't be cured, put me in a coffin.. [x2] i'm diseased, diseased in the head. i'm broken, broken in my heart. when will this end? all i know - is falling apart. [x2]
4.	Bloodshot Eyes ft. Luthien (5v) 02:23	lyrics	buy track
count my losses, see the world through bloodshot eyes. unconscious, and i'm barely alive. - woke up in your arms, woke up in a daze. i know that you're scared, at'least you kept me safe. everything is wrong, even when it's not. promise when you leave - just turn the lights off. i don't get fucked up - head's already there. when it falls apart - have no tolerance. burying myself, keep myself alive. i just wanna hide - don't think i wanna die. i can't help but cry, think i'm so deprived, can you see the- pain in my eyes. when i get like this, will you stay with me? at my darkest - promise you will never leave. give up, give up, that's what the voices tell me, you can do your worst, but i'll never let you hoe me. putting on an act for twitter, we know you're a phony talkin' bout me in your gc, like you know me took too many losses, need to bounce back. watch you come up, then you stab me in my back you made mistakes, so why you mad now. called you out, so it's my bad now. you do a lot of talking, put your money where your mouth is, you got caught up too many lies that you can't manage. dug your own hole, i wanna see you fall in, watch you crash and burn, and watch your walls cave in.
5.	So Cold ft. Paprika (Shinjin) 02:30	lyrics	buy track
liftin' up my sleeve, there's so many scars. they don't go away, blood's still on my arms. it comes in flashes, blanked- now i'm slashin'. can't remember anything, i just see the damage. yea it still hurts, i still feel this burn. felt it, got me wincin', swear it's only gettin' worse. surrounded by 4 walls, i'm out of options. i think they're gonna fall, this place is my coffin. in my longsleeves, glad it's winter. don't want you to see - but i'm used to this... sick of the questions, i regret this. not in that moment, but yea, i regret it. you know what it's like, yea you feel it too. you don't know me, but - you know what we go through. paprika: stuck inside, don't wanna go outside, i'll never decide, i should run and hide. i lost you in my sights, that doesn't feel right. having a tough time to make it through tonight. devil on my shoulder, winter getting colder, never growing older, didn't get to know her. serotonin lower, thoughts getting slower, i am such a loner. thought that you could show her, didn't get to know her, didn't get to know her, i'm such a loner.
6.	Are You Scared (Dennis) 02:12	lyrics	buy track
promise me, promise me, you won't let me go. want your love, want your love, so just keep me close. keep me here, keep me here, don't push me away. don't lose me, don't lose me, like you are afraid. [x2] scared of getting close, i'm pushing you away. but does it matter, tomorrow will you feel the same? i just wanna hold you, but i'm so afraid. yea you love me now, yea what if you change? say you wanna talk, say you want my love. but i'm broken... am i what you really want? say you wanna talk, say you want my love. but i'm broken... am i what you really want? scared of getting close, i'm always getting hurt. if you keep me close, do you think we'll make this work? even when i'm numb, i wanna feel your love. i'm so scared, babe. make it go away. say you wanna talk, say you want my love. but i'm broken... am i what you really want? say you wanna talk, say you want my love. but i'm broken... am i what you really want? promise me, promise me, you won't let me go. want your love, want your love, so just keep me close. keep me here, keep me here, don't push me away. don't lose me, don't lose me, like you are afraid. [x2]
7.	Headsick ft. Luthien (Hoodwtch) 02:08	lyrics	buy track
i don't sleep at night, i don't sleep at all. only half-alive, and i'm somewhere far.. red on my razor, i'm so unstable. i can see the light - i'm a fallen angel. breaking down again, when i sleep, i hope i die. when i try to open up, it's to apologize.. feels like my last days... and it happens every day. if i lose control, then i'll end up in a grave. yea my hair's read, just like the blood i spill. i'm the living dead - broken, i'm so headsick. i just wanna stop, i was doing so well. i'd give anything to - have more than unrest. and the constant - wanting for my death. wish i wasn't - an emotional wreck. luthien: i don't sleep at all, maybe 5 hours this week. i bottle up what's up, discard and discreet. rinse and repeat, it's a never ending cycle. pain tolerance too high - to even a crack a smile. i don't like who i see in the mirror, shattered glass, hope to see clearer. seems like everyone's got it figured out, i'm aware time's running out, and i'm still lost, with no aspirations. gouge my eyes out, to see things in a new light. doesn't matter how hard i try, i have no goals for my life. sleeping when it's light out, wake up when it's dark out. got no time for art now, i just play the part now.
8.	Chemical Imbalance ft. Teori (Tsuhbi) 02:43	lyrics	buy track
we go out in the night, pretend i'm feelin' fine. i just wanna die, but no one will let me. don't need chemicals, mine are imbalanced. sometimes i'm cryin', masked it with laughin'. - think i'll relapse again, i don't know what else. losing so much blood, i think i need some help. teori: hard drugs mixed with kerosene, cut me up real nice when you pull my spleen. fuck life all this shit was not meant to be, cut me up real bad, you are dead to me. fuck this shit, i don't got a clue why i'm on the move, cut me up, baby cut me up, i don't got a clue. through the door, breaking through the door, think i broke my skull, bleeding bad, i don't give a fuck, you can't touch my soul. she don't know where i wanna go, you can call me up - in the night, there is no surprise when i lose control will you now, will you come and watch when i lose it all. i don't know where i wanna go, got me through the smoke. my mind is so diseased, feel like i'm trapped in. no escape here, heart pulses like a maven. you think i'm not depressed? just know how to pretend. another dead end, i just want this to end. don't know me or my pain, don't think you'll understand. i heard it before... it's more than "being sad." don't wanna feel a thing, i'm not sure what i need, i know it's more than this, can someone help me please.
9.	Depersonalized ft. Agomi (Dennis) 02:02	lyrics	buy track
the gun's up to my head, i wish i was dead.... i might make it happen, now there's nothing left. i'm still shaking, i can't take it. my happiness was pretend, i had to fake it. where am i headed, can't see through my eyes.. it's like i'm floating.. depersonalized. i can't think straight, don't know what to say, but the truth is, every smile of mine was fake. it's hard enough to process, all i know's detachment. i'm out of my body, i don't know what happens. everything hurts, but do i deserve it? leaving my shell, i'm an outside observer. agomi: ballin, wanna if there's a new me. "coping with the bass" - eddie vu. i can't leave you all alone g. always with the shit, bitch i know. yea, always with the shit, bitch i know. ballin with the kit, bitch i know. "always with the shit" - misty woo. yeah, bit key, prison normie. poise, with the sinner in a movie. 1, 2, 3, end like norii. and i can't tell what i know, ou.
10.	Happily Ever After Bby (Kaktus) 02:35	lyrics	buy track
so much i'm holding inside, all the things i'm afraid to say... breaking down when i let it out. but you are my safest escape. [x2] when you asked what's wrong, i felt it, how could you tell i was cryin'? are you that perceptive? or did i just not hide it? couldn't make sense of my thoughts, no words - only screams and cries. you stayed. i'd do the same for you, there's a reason you get what this is like. melted down again, still in one piece, you're still here beside me. held me in tact, came to my senses.. the love i have for you is infinite. so much i'm holding inside, all the things i'm afraid to say... breaking down when i let it out. but you are my safest escape. [x2] stay here... that's all i ask. stay near... you're my happily ever after.

about

november - december of 2019. the worst period of my life. everything that could've went wrong in a two month period, did. from issues with relationships and family, to friends being incarcerated, my cat's death, financial issues, and the stressful burden of mental illness, i felt trapped and like there was no way out. a culmination of problems as well as my own inability to cope with mental illness, i snapped and attempted to end my own life the day after my 25th birthday, and i narrowly survived. after, i was placed in a ward. it's over a year later, and some days i feel like i made some progress, and some days i feel like i'm in the same place i used to be. this isn't my sob story, or some "poor me" rant; the reason i'm typing such a personal, dark event in my life, is because at that time i wrote my thoughts into a journal. between my time being inpatient and now, i took those writings, and made songs out of them. this is the result of that - these tracks are a picture of those events. i hope you can find some kind of catharsis from these if you feel this is relatable, and that you can find help as well if needed.

this is barely alive.

edit: the reason the digital price is set that high is because i HIGHLY encourage you to buy a tape if you like the album. 1: i wanna get rid of the remaining copies 2: i want you, the listener, if you should want to spend money on this, to really get your money's worth. when all physical copies are gone, it will be set to "name your price," with no minimum.

edit 2: now on spotify and other stream services - distrokid.com/hyperfollow/marcyvulse/barely-alive

edit 3: all tapes sold out!! Thank you so much, everyone! As promised, digital download is now set to Name Your Price with no minimum!